Dream-maker, Life-giver

How delightful it is to wash my face

with your running waters,

to have eyes shining like the sun.

The dark clouds of doubt

has given way for clear blue sky

I'm living underneath your smiling face.

And it shows in the way i walk,

in the way i talk

and in the way i carry myself.

I will never ever be the same again.

For my aunt, for me.

You came here so weak

The big C, but i didn't know

you'd be that weak,

skin and bones

I don't know how to react

The confusion;

you would have seen it in my eyes.

I want to get your hands for you to bless me,

i knelt in front of you,

you did not look me in the eye,

pretended as if you did not see me,

you did not acknowledge my presence,

It drove me out.

I imagine you would slowly heal

I'd read to you

I'd talk to you

I imagine mornings talking to you,

and you slowly healing,

but you have to die

I ran into your room

your eyes looking above as if in shock

your whole body rigid

I knew then that your soul was leaving you

your tongue slowly moving in and out,

catching breath, air.

I did not know what to feel,

Flor, the one who took care of you said

you did not want people to see you like that.

Just before she leaves,

everyday you'd say,

don't tell them my situation. 

Tell then I’m fine, 

that I am well.

I imagine you were embarrassed,
but i am your niece,

although not close, but family.

Looking back,

I wish i could have reached out

to touch you.

It was always at the back of my mind,

to reach for your frail hands so i can bless,

bless ko auntie(mano po ninang),

but i never did.

Look me in the eye,

share me your pain,

open up your heart,

show me your soul.

I am sorry.

I know you are happy now.

My heart was at peace when you died.

I realized we are all babe in the face of death,

and that now you can rest.

***

For a long time now, i did not know how to express in words what i felt when my aunt died.

I have to write it down. This  is but a shadow of the real thing.

But enough, enough for me to hope again.