When it
feels like you are insecure with your spiritual friends. I just
don’t understand why i feel like i don’t live up to their expectations. Am i unconsciously comparing myself? Holier than thou ? Because really, when it comes
to spiritual path, everything is personal. It cannot be compared. I should know
that. Why do i feel like i am constantly being judged? Or is it me judging
myself. I am not praying enough. I am not holy enough. I don’t serve enough. I
am always absent during prayer meetings. Or is it my conscience telling me to
do the things i am suppose to do. Make more time for God! Since when did i start
to feel so small around spiritual people?
I feel like my two sisters in Christ
are so holy and always there to serve. It makes me feel like i will not be able
to live up to their expectations when I am around them. And at the same time i don’t
want to be like them. I feel like they are so serious for my taste. And i just want
to enjoy life and at the same time enjoy God. Why does it always have to
involve suffering and sacrifice? Why do people like suffering? Why does sacrifice
always equates to being holy? I don’t think that when you feel you don’t want
to do a certain thing and do it anyway because it’s it looks like the right
thing to do, but you feel like this sucks. It takes the joy away. But you don’t
want to feel guilty afterwards for not doing it. Why can’t people be true to
themselves like i don’t want to do it because. Just because and I dont feel like explaining why.
Are people
naturally good or bad? It is just that, when i dont enjoy doing a thing why
would i do it? just to please the person? i mean? you know. we are the most
double minded creation in the universe because we feel one thing and do
another. We say one thing but in our hearts is another thing. What would happen
if we become one with our feelings? To do what we want to do. And not do what
we don’t want to do. And to say what we mean to say. What would happen? I guess
there would be a lot of conflict at first, but i think when you become one with
your actions and feelings, i guess people would become more humane and
dignified. What if we just let people be and give them freedom not to conform
with society’s expectations or church leaders expectations? Would we become
kind and compassionate (because we are naturally good inside) or would we
become rude and selfish (because we are naturally little evils inside). Or are
there really two wolves leaving inside us; the good and the bad. And whichever
we feed wins. Or am I being like this
because I feel like I am doing things to please other people. Or am I being
like this because I am doing things to please myself, and not… not because I
want to please God?
