In our family we never say sorry
when we truly are sorry.
I don't know why but it has always
been that way ever since I could remember. I guess it kind of embarrass us to say sorry (I'm
not sure if this is what my siblings and my parents feel but it's certainly
what i feel)
The usual kind of saying sorry for
me is to ask favor, because talking is hard to do when you know you are wrong
or when you're hurting. I call it pride. I think I am a proud person, and I've
been trying to keep my pride at bay so it won’t get in the way. It gets in the
way sometimes. And when it does, I am indifferent. I won't talk nor would I
look at you. It takes a lot of control and humility not to harbor and nurture
hate especially when I know I am in the right.
This knowing of being in the right
does not help in building relationships because it builds pride. I have seen
relatives not being okay for years - each insisting they are in the right and
too proud to ask forgiveness.
If I am not careful I may end up
like them. A person has to be awake enough to notice that he is angry because
anger nurtured, I noticed, turns into hate, and hate carried too long
becomes indifference. And I don't ever want to carry hate nor indifference for years ever again.
O, the things you will miss not enjoying each other’s company!
When I'm sorry and too stubborn to
admit it, I ask for favor, -HAHA! simple favors like 'Could you get me the
water please' or 'Can I borrow your cellphone?' it means I have forgiven you,
or that I want us to be okay now, and can we move on already.
My family gets it. So when they
still won’t talk after I made the first move it means they are not yet ready to
forgive but it is okay because they know that I’m over it already.
Another thing when I am sorry and
when I am wrong (I am wrong usually means disobedience and talking back at my
parents -- even when I am in the right I feel wrong at fighting back.
I feel guilty when I talk back with
rage, I feel guilty that I am not able to control my anger, and I feel guilty
because it is a sign of disrespect.)
The biggest challenge for me at home
is to honor my parents because I feel old enough to talk back. I don't like
being told what to do. I especially don't like being nagged at for any reason
at all. I am old enough for it! Haven't I outgrown my bad habits already? (Disappointed)
I feel like I don't deserve
to be treated that way. And that feeling of entitlement gets me in trouble.
Sometimes I surprise myself erupting
like a raging volcano. Eruption happens and I am truly sorry afterward. And
when I am truly sorry and guilty I do favor. I clean the house or do things
that I know would please my parents. Or I would just simply obey. And my
parents, they get it. I have never heard any of my family member say sorry.
They also have their own way of saying it. And I get it.
This is how we do things at home.
This is how we heal over and over
again.
