Because I had had (past tense) a manager who smokes a lot, but
this is not about her, nor about smoking. This is my story about SMOKES.
When I was a kid (I still am) my Papa (my mother's brother) used
to boss us around children to light his cigarette. I don’t know why Lighters
are not that popular in those days.
I remember being really happy when I get to light the fresh cigarette. I would go
to the kitchen where woods are used to cook our meals. In those days people use
woods to cook and we have dirty kitchens at home. We do have stoves but people
on those days seem to have the luxury of time to build fire to cook. We even
have chopped woods under our house, pile and piles of chopped woods.
I remember being really happy when I get the chance to light the
fresh cigar of my Papa. What I do is that I just don't light the cigar using my
hand but I do them lighting by putting
first the cigar in my mouth and get my face really close to the fire till I
feel the heat and the tip of the cigarette catches fire.
And I inhale like CRAZY!
I do it fast and quick. In my imagination I used to pretend that
I am an actress or a celebrity. I don't know why when I was a kid I see people
as being glamorous when they smoke. Now I certainly don't. I don't do it when people are around. I make
sure nobody's watching.
I remember feeling madly high and happy knowing I've done
something wicked. I do it real quick so my Papa won’t notice and I hand him the
cigar and act like a little angel.
Oh the high I get!
I knew then that I was a little rebel. I know it's wicked acting
like a little angel when you are clearly not. Some children use to just show
their bad, rebellious side but no not me. I'M THIS LITTLE ANGEL!!! SEE?
People don't know anything about me really.
I still carry that trait to this day. I told you I still am a
kid! I still wear mask when I am angry, sad, or when I do wicked, wicked
things. I do try to be honest as much as possible now, to show my real
feelings, to show the real me.
But habits are hard to break especially when it's from childhood.
So yeah, I'm no angel, maybe a bit rebel inside and definitely a sinner.
I do appreciate myself now; it’s hard to live with one self when
you don't.
 |
| See that little rebel inside? :p *** |
I have a lot of things to be thankful for today.
You see I have not been writing things I'm grateful about in here. So let me start with being really grateful for the grace of forgiveness.(It's hard for me to forgive myself but I'm learning now; i try to be kind to me. I want me as my own best friend and not to treat me badly).
I'm grateful for a new day and for new beginnings. I do love mornings! Let us always begin again. And again.
