How We Say Sorry At Home

 In our family we never say sorry when we truly are sorry.

I don't know why but it has always been that way ever since I could remember. I guess it kind of embarrass us to say sorry (I'm not sure if this is what my siblings and my parents feel but it's certainly what i feel)

The usual kind of saying sorry for me is to ask favor, because talking is hard to do when you know you are wrong or when you're hurting. I call it pride. I think I am a proud person, and I've been trying to keep my pride at bay so it won’t get in the way. It gets in the way sometimes. And when it does, I am indifferent. I won't talk nor would I look at you. It takes a lot of control and humility not to harbor and nurture hate especially when I know I am in the right.

This knowing of being in the right does not help in building relationships because it builds pride. I have seen relatives not being okay for years - each insisting they are in the right and too proud to ask forgiveness.

If I am not careful I may end up like them. A person has to be awake enough to notice that he is angry because anger nurtured, I noticed, turns into hate, and hate carried too long  becomes indifference. And I don't ever want to carry hate nor indifference for years ever again. O, the things you will miss not enjoying each other’s company!

When I'm sorry and too stubborn to admit it, I ask for favor, -HAHA! simple favors like 'Could you get me the water please' or 'Can I borrow your cellphone?' it means I have forgiven you, or that I want us to be okay now, and can we move on already.

My family gets it. So when they still won’t talk after I made the first move it means they are not yet ready to forgive but it is okay because they know that I’m over it already. 

Another thing when I am sorry and when I am wrong (I am wrong usually means disobedience and talking back at my parents -- even when I am in the right I feel wrong at fighting back.

I feel guilty when I talk back with rage, I feel guilty that I am not able to control my anger, and I feel guilty because it is a sign of disrespect.)

The biggest challenge for me at home is to honor my parents because I feel old enough to talk back. I don't like being told what to do. I especially don't like being nagged at for any reason at all. I am old enough for it! Haven't I outgrown my bad habits already? (Disappointed) I feel like I don't deserve to be treated that way. And that feeling of entitlement gets me in trouble.

Sometimes I surprise myself erupting like a raging volcano. Eruption happens and I am truly sorry afterward. And when I am truly sorry and guilty I do favor. I clean the house or do things that I know would please my parents. Or I would just simply obey. And my parents, they get it. I have never heard any of my family member say sorry. They also have their own way of saying it. And I get it.  

This is how we do things at home.

This is how we heal over and over again. 

Be the Change You Want to See

Sometimes it cannot be helped; people get nosy over other people's lives.

We like to talk and discuss about others - the negative and positive.

The positive I encourage, because to talk about the positive things inspires us.

It beautifies our thoughts. Like a gem of ruby, gold and silver,

and dusts of diamonds here and there.

Yet we are inclined to talk more about the negative- most especially the negative:

 it fuels our fascination; the juicy stuff. And the juicy stuff we like to share.

How sweet is the mouth that carries it to the ears hungry for entertainment!

Are we bored or just obsessed?

The negative stuff, if it does not concern you,

and if harmful to the people involved when told,

then my dear it is better for you to close your ears and shut your mouth.

Don’t talk about it nor think about it anymore.

You won’t explode if you do.

Refuse to be a channel of bad vibes. Nor be a source of it.

If we cannot control our own lives, there is no use in trying to control others.

Or worst; try to fix it for them.

Isn't it funny how we always (always) see other people's mistakes and not see our own?

Their weaknesses, flaws, and the many imperfections,

we perceive and think and talk about over and over again.

We are all busy analyzing other people when it is not our business at all.

If we can only stop, and look at ourselves instead, and be the change we want to see.

What a great amount of work to be done!

What habits to change and values to develop,

and what thoughts to vanquish.

Perspectives to shift!

When it is easy to blame others, quick to judge and point fingers,

assume so many things,

then it is time to quit.

Quit your obsessing.

Get over it.

Instead of asking: Whose fault is it?  Why are they so stupid?

Why not try: How else can I think about it?

What am I responsible for?

Then maybe, no, I am sure,

there will be hope for peace and happiness for you.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

I have been listening to Brene's Brown TED talk on YouTube. She is a research professor and a story teller (you know, when I was in High School, my dream really is to be a story teller. I just don't know how that could be possible for me so I kept it to myself and never told a soul. But since 2012 I have been thinking that maybe it can come true. I still don't know how but I know it will. That's faith... and madness courage.)

Brene Brown studies shame and vulnerability. I am a shy girl. I grew up really quiet and shy. And so topics like shame and vulnerability speak to me. This is supposed to be a book review but I figured it would do you much good if I just show you all the sentences Ihave highlighted and marked for your own study. Enjoy!

Courage originally meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”

Speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage.

Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line.

Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.

If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children.
...true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.

When we don’t practice love with the people we claim to love, it takes a lot out of us. Incongruent living is exhausting.

If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way—especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?

A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.

Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.

Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience—something we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.

Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.

When we’re kind to ourselves, we create a reservoir of compassion that we can extend to others.

“Today, I’m going to believe that showing up is enough.”

Hopeful self-talk sounds more like, This is tough, but I can do it.

The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.

  

And lastly this one, which I really find astonishing, thought provoking and so true too.
An excerpt from Brene Brown’s interview with Krista Tippet:

Ms. Brown: Appearance and body image is still the number one shame trigger for women. For men, there's a really kind of singular, suffocating expectation and that is do not be perceived as weak. So for men, the perception of weakness is often very shaming and that one of the things that's interesting is, I talk to men and, you know, what I heard over and over was some variation of, look, my wife, my girlfriend, whomever, they say be afraid, they tell me, you know, share your vulnerability with me, open up, but the truth is, they can't stomach it.

The truth is that, when I'm very vulnerable, when I'm in fear, when I talk about it openly, it permanently changes the dynamics in our relationship. And when I started sharing this with women or whenever I started interviewing couples, women are like, oh, God, it's true. I want you to be open and I want there to be intimacy, but I don't want you go to there.

You know, and so, I've come to this belief that, if you show me a woman who can sit with a man in real vulnerability, in deep fear, and be with him in it, I will show you a woman who, A, has done her work and, B, does not derive her power from that man. And if you show me a man who can sit with a woman in deep struggle and vulnerability and not try to fix it, but just hear her and be with her and hold space for it, I'll show you a guy who's done his work and a man who doesn't derive his power from controlling and fixing everything.

***

To admit that you are terrified and afraid takes a whole lot of courage.
To not know what to do next and to admit to yourself that you don't know is terrifying. I have been there so many times.
And this one thing I know: It is okay to be afraid, it is okay to be vulnerable - but you know what, courage is showing up even when you feel vulnerable. Like, "OMG! I don't want to come to class today. I am not prepared with my report. I would be very embarrassed if I do this."  But you show up anyway and did the report. For me that is courage.

A Gospel for Life - My New Year's Resolution

Children, listen to me; I am your father. Do what I tell you and you will be safe, for the Lord has given fathers authority over their children and given children the obligation to obey their mothers.

If you respect your father, you can make up for your sins, and if you honor your mother, you are earning great wealth. If you respect your father, one day your own children will make you happy; the Lord will hear your prayers. If you obey the Lord by honoring your father and making your mother happy, you will live a long life. 

Obey your parents as if you were their slave. Honor your father in everything you do and say, so that you may receive his blessing. When parents give their blessing, they give strength to their children's homes, but when they curse their children, they destroy the very foundations. 

Never seek honor for yourself at your father's expense; it is not to your credit if he is dishonored. Your own honor comes from the respect that you show to your father. If children do not honor their mothers, it is their own disgrace. 

My child, take care of your father when he grows old; give him no cause for worry as long as he lives. Be sympathetic even if his mind fails him; don't look down on him just because you are strong and healthy. The Lord will not forget the kindness you show to your father; it will help you make up for your sins. When you are in trouble, the Lord will remember your kindness and will help you; your sins will melt away like frost in warm sunshine. Sirach 3:1-15

xxx

I heard this read in our church last Sunday.

This is always included in the Gospel every Sunday following Christmas which is the Feast of the Holy Family.  Somehow I am always present when this is read. And I am reminded every time to honor my parents.

I did not grow up with my parents so I have to admit this is hard for me to do. I and my mom are okay, but with my dad sometimes it is a struggle.

It seems to me that everyday there is always something to argue about with my dad. My dad is a complainer and sometimes very hard to please. He wakes up very early in the morning and starts to work. Anything that needs working he works it. In my head I think my dad lives with the motto: TIME IS GOLD.

I am the complete opposite.

I take my morning really slow. I write a little, think a little- if I want coffee I have myself coffee and then just sit around and let time roll. My dad hates this. He can’t sit still. Anything looks idle irritates him. I don't know why there is this sense of urgency with my dad. Friction starts when he would start complaining about me sitting instead of cooking and preparing the table for breakfast. I am not yet done with my morning routine which is pretty much staring at something with my head blank or thinking. This is my meditating phase. I am not fully awake. And when you wake up with a complaining, your morning is pretty much ruined. This annoys me to no end.

So this year and for the rest of my life my resolution is to obey the Lord by honoring my parents. Changes must be made to accommodate my dad's temper, as we are both stubborn. I must give way and give peace a chance.

I will try to cultivate respect for my dad and mom and understand them as much as I can. They are getting old. In fact, just this morning, I colored my mom's white hair, and my dad colored his white beard. I love my parents. But it is hard to remember that when my pride gets in the way. So this is my prayer: that my heart be changed so I can honor my parents and please God.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 

Whole and Total Practice

This is just something i read while seeking for ideas. I love ideas. And because i agree to what it said I want to post it here so i can always look at it. May you feel the wisdom and truth while reading it.

Whole and Total Practice
By Jack Kornfield, Living Dharma
The precepts are enormously powerful. For instance, not to tell an untruth in any circumstance, alone could be one's whole and total practice. With regard to other beings, it means not misrepresenting anything, being totally mindful and aware of just what is being said and making it as direct and clear a reflection of the truth as one can perceive.... To carry this precept even further, if one practices the precept of truthfulness within oneself as well, not fooling oneself, not trying to look at things other than as they really are, seeing things mindfully, with full consciousness and awareness, this one precept becomes the whole and entire practice of Buddhism. Not only of Buddhism, but in fact of all religions. As soon as one becomes totally honest, automatically the wisdom of unselfishness arises. One becomes loving in a natural way because one is no longer trying to get or be something other than what is already true. --Jack Kornfield, Living Dharma

What Is It Really Like To Truly Care?

What makes a person care about someone?

Is it blood?  Friendship?  Community?

What truly makes a person care for other people?

I have this person in my life that truly tests my patience. When I am with her, I feel bad about myself. My walls are up and I am ready to find faults. I don't want to feel this way and i am sorry if I keep feeling this way. When I am with her I LIE - I just can’t speak the truth. I have no courage at all. She dis-empowers me and I am completely helpless.

I know she's turmoil. She carries too much burden. I can feel it and it's heavy. She's too trusting. She's needy, too needy for love and attention. And I have pampered her. Now, she is becoming a sucker of my energy. And she comes weekly! (Oh my, why do you have to do that?)

I am not saying that she's a bad person. No not at all. She's sweet, childlike, and straightforward, she talks too much sometimes and she is very opinionated. She readily laughs when people throw jokes at her. She even made me feel special one time, lightened up my day and lifted up my thoughts. All this negativity I feel about her are MY REACTIONS/FEELINGS towards her. I am dishonest and coward most of the time when we talk.

She makes me hate myself.

I want to love her. I want to care for her. But I have no idea how to be courageous enough to tell her what she needs to hear. I have no idea how to tell her the truth.

I know I am not the only one who feels this way about her. Almost all of us do. In fact we are convinced that she has an attitude problem; we have no proof how to determine this things but it's very evident (but could it be that she just lacks attention?...love? ... appreciation?....acknowledgement?)  People sometimes don’t pay her any attention. But I don’t want to give up on her. Who am I to give up when God has not given up on me?

She needs me and she comes to me. I don't want to feel like exploding every time she comes to see me, because every time she does, she asks something of me; time and money (I don’t care about the money, for as long as I have something to give. lol.) I care about how I feel about her, how I treat her, how I am when she is around being needy.

I want to tell her that she needs to stop lying to herself.

SHE NEEDS TO STOP IT! And I've GOT TO TELL HER!

I want her to realize the power of being true to oneself but she dis-empowers me with that very power.

I need her. Yes, i need her so i can overcome my fears of hurting her if i say what i truly feel and think about her.  I need her so i can learn how to truly and genuinely care with no expectations of return at all. I need her so i can be sincere. Stop all the hypocrisy and start caring for people not because you need something from them but because you just truly care. And i want to care.

I want to open up my heart wide enough to feel her pain. I want to give till it hurts, but not time and money; I want to give her the truth. I want to give her my honesty.

 xxx

A note to people who personally know me: I wrote this not for you to ponder who this person might be but for you to learn from my situation or better yet suggest a solution *wink. And if you have similar stories to tell, let's talk about it, not the person involved but how to better the situation. :) Thank you. 

The Art of Asking Questions

There is beauty/art in asking questions.

Yes even bad questions.

I would like to share this because maybe you will learn too. When I was just a kid, I don’t ask questions much. Maybe because I’m like a sponge, I take everything good and bad and the very bad – personally. Maybe that’s why I grew up shy and aloof. I’m pretty scared of people most of the time.

 It is only now that I've started asking questions. Kind of shake my belief system. I know I’m not yet shaking it as hard as I would like to, because maybe if I’d do, the belief house would fall. And I wouldn't know what I’d be if that would happen. But in fairness I think that wouldn't be so scary. Confronting myself and my beliefs would be liberating I think. (That’s a comforting thought- that I actually think it would be liberating.)

I’ve got a lot of questions about confidence and why I react or behave the way I do to certain situations or people. It’s fun.

 The art of asking questions is fun.

Most especially if you know how to ask the right ones.

Here’s one page of my many questions (I use my notebook every time I come up with questions, that means I write it down) This is really hard to show but I’m sharing it because maybe, just maybe, there are people out there who is just like me, and reading this would liberate her/him the way it did me from my insular mindset. lol.

What is my limiting belief?

That I am inferior to people who are successful(people who have much confidence – they believe in their work and they know what they do)

Why do I feel inferior to people who are successful? To people who exude much confidence they seem to fly.

I feel inferior and little because I believe I can’t contribute a thing.

Because I want to please people, to show off, by being humble.

Inferiority cloaked in humility, nay, timidity to the point of acting dumb. Because I thought if people think poorly of me, when I fail they would not blame me much, because what would you expect from timid people? I make excuses already for my future imagined mistakes! When in fact it is unlikely to happen! My brilliant defense mechanism!

What should I do to correct this wrong belief? This horrible fear of the future mistakes I will make?

Be brave, be you. What if instead of owning your imagined future mistakes, you try owning and living your potential.

Start living to your potential, your true potential. And imagine that.

 Wow.

I ask those questions, not to myself but to God. And hearing those answers is like freedom.

Here is the most important thing I learned: It is good to ask yourself questions but it is even better to ask God those questions, It is good to talk to yourself but even better to talk to God. In him is Wisdom.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

You Can Ask Anything. Absolutely Anything!

 xxx

Things I’m grateful for today

1.  I'm grateful for my dad. He is getting old. And I need to be more patient with him; not the other way around. Don’t be so pabadlong. Remember that.

2.    I'm grateful for Cherry (tbg) music, one of the most inspiring people who top my list right now.

3.   I am grateful for you Abba dear, for not giving up, for all of us. Thank you.