Sep 3, 2014

When it Feels Like You Are Spiritually Insecure

When it feels like you are insecure with your spiritual friends. I just don’t understand why i feel like i don’t live up to their expectations. Am i unconsciously comparing myself? Holier than thou ? Because really, when it comes to spiritual path, everything is personal. It cannot be compared. I should know that. Why do i feel like i am constantly being judged? Or is it me judging myself. I am not praying enough. I am not holy enough. I don’t serve enough. I am always absent during prayer meetings. Or is it my conscience telling me to do the things i am suppose to do. Make more time for God! Since when did i start to feel so small around spiritual people?
 I feel like my two sisters in Christ are so holy and always there to serve. It makes me feel like i will not be able to live up to their expectations when I am around them. And at the same time i don’t want to be like them. I feel like they are so serious for my taste. And i just want to enjoy life and at the same time enjoy God. Why does it always have to involve suffering and sacrifice? Why do people like suffering? Why does sacrifice always equates to being holy? I don’t think that when you feel you don’t want to do a certain thing and do it anyway because it’s it looks like the right thing to do, but you feel like this sucks. It takes the joy away. But you don’t want to feel guilty afterwards for not doing it. Why can’t people be true to themselves like i don’t want to do it because. Just because and  I dont feel like explaining why.
 Are people naturally good or bad? It is just that, when i dont enjoy doing a thing why would i do it? just to please the person? i mean? you know. we are the most double minded creation in the universe because we feel one thing and do another. We say one thing but in our hearts is another thing. What would happen if we become one with our feelings? To do what we want to do. And not do what we don’t want to do. And to say what we mean to say. What would happen? I guess there would be a lot of conflict at first, but i think when you become one with your actions and feelings, i guess people would become more humane and dignified. What if we just let people be and give them freedom not to conform with society’s expectations or church leaders expectations? Would we become kind and compassionate (because we are naturally good inside) or would we become rude and selfish (because we are naturally little evils inside). Or are there really two wolves leaving inside us; the good and the bad. And whichever we feed wins.  Or am I being like this because I feel like I am doing things to please other people. Or am I being like this because I am doing things to please myself, and not… not because I want to please God? 
 
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