Until The Day Dawns, and the Morning Star Rises In Your Hearts

Until the day dawns, and the morning star rises in your hearts.

This morning there was this little bird on top of our mango tree.
How beautiful it is that God cares for them and not one falls without our Father's notice.

Can I Pray With You?

I have not been constant - in prayer, in studies,

and in everything i deem important.

Standing on feeble ground; building my hut on the sand.

You knocked on my door and I let you in.

Has it been raining? You don't look fine.

Your heart's blue; sadness engulfing you.

You told me things of woe.

I hope anyone wouldn't come to know.

Death's been whispering in your thoughts.

It has grown on you.

Your spiritual warfare's so real

Battle smoke I could smell.

Along came many scruples with it.

Don't think too much,

don’t think too much…

I wanted so bad to pray with you.

Can I pray with you? -

this i did not dare ask.

I doubt my heart could stand the task.

I'm not as steadfast as I like.

You left with my "I'll pray for you."

But you came back still in woe.

I knew I have here a work to do.

But what can I do?

I have no time to settle my doubts, my fears -

my own storms I could not keep still.

I have not time for guilt.

I cannot rely on what I have built.

So today let’s just be you and me, and God be God.

Let's be weak in our weakness, blind in our blindness-

rest in our restlessness.

I'll pray for you and you pray with me.

God in our midst,

God in our weakness,

God in you and God in me.

Let mercy fall, let the day dawn,

let my heart break and let it mend.

I'll carry you and you carry me.

To the divine together

we shall surrender.

***

This is for the moment I first prayed over someone. And for all the coming moments i will feel terrified to pray over someone, I will always be found wanting but let mercy fall.

And no matter what, I will always remember:

“There is a secret medicine given only to those who hurt so hard they can't hope. The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.” 

-Rumi

The Birds Sing Praises Just Before the Sun Rises

I have a beautiful prayer practice to recommend.

Not too long ago, I noticed birds singing and praising God early in the morning just before the sun rises.

I thought, My God they are singing praises!

I joined in singing in Spirit along with them and noticed i am in perfect harmony with their tune. I slowed down when they slowed down and I stopped when they stopped.

I was intrigued. I am in awe. They sing every morning at the exact same time.

I am reminded of a psalm calling all creations on earth to praise God.

Saying let everything that has breath worship him.

I have googled about this and found I am not alone:

http://heart2heartbeat.com/why_do_birds_sing.htm

Thank you Lord!

In the morning, give me the grace to lift my voice and sing in praise and thanksgiving to you. For you alone is worthy of praise.

Dream-maker, Life-giver

How delightful it is to wash my face

with your running waters,

to have eyes shining like the sun.

The dark clouds of doubt

has given way for clear blue sky

I'm living underneath your smiling face.

And it shows in the way i walk,

in the way i talk

and in the way i carry myself.

I will never ever be the same again.

For my aunt, for me.

You came here so weak

The big C, but i didn't know

you'd be that weak,

skin and bones

I don't know how to react

The confusion;

you would have seen it in my eyes.

I want to get your hands for you to bless me,

i knelt in front of you,

you did not look me in the eye,

pretended as if you did not see me,

you did not acknowledge my presence,

It drove me out.

I imagine you would slowly heal

I'd read to you

I'd talk to you

I imagine mornings talking to you,

and you slowly healing,

but you have to die

I ran into your room

your eyes looking above as if in shock

your whole body rigid

I knew then that your soul was leaving you

your tongue slowly moving in and out,

catching breath, air.

I did not know what to feel,

Flor, the one who took care of you said

you did not want people to see you like that.

Just before she leaves,

everyday you'd say,

don't tell them my situation. 

Tell then I’m fine, 

that I am well.

I imagine you were embarrassed,
but i am your niece,

although not close, but family.

Looking back,

I wish i could have reached out

to touch you.

It was always at the back of my mind,

to reach for your frail hands so i can bless,

bless ko auntie(mano po ninang),

but i never did.

Look me in the eye,

share me your pain,

open up your heart,

show me your soul.

I am sorry.

I know you are happy now.

My heart was at peace when you died.

I realized we are all babe in the face of death,

and that now you can rest.

***

For a long time now, i did not know how to express in words what i felt when my aunt died.

I have to write it down. This  is but a shadow of the real thing.

But enough, enough for me to hope again.

The First Time I Got Teary Eyed with a Painting

Display of art gallery in Lim Ketkai Center from our local artists here in our city.

Paintings don't usually move me like words does, but today is the first time I got teary eyed with a painting. This one spoke to me deep down my heart in a most intimate way. This is one of the times when the sea brings out something in you: future, hopes, dreams, pains, what has been- all combine. And then you are lost just looking at it. This is that sea, and the painting has captured it and framed that moment.

***

Some of the paintings I like :( All the photos are taken from my mobile phone. This is one of those days I wish I had better camera)

What have I Been Up to Lately?

I have no idea who took this. Unknown file on our desktop.

Ever since the bombing in our city, I've developed this strange fear of things suddenly blowing up when I'm in crowded places. This sensation of fear and anxiety could drive me far away from the place where I am at. Also I have developed this heightened awareness of bags put away in suspicious places. I can spot them everywhere; once in a bookstore, and another at the hallway of a mall. A bag put in the ground unattended is positively a ticking bomb for me that I have to get away fast. This is crazy, to actually be so affected.

My counter spell which most of the time i forget to memorize when under threat is: even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil for you are with me. There!

I bought a book entitled Uncle Tungsten Memories of a Chemical Boyhood because i was fascinated of the things they tell at the back cover. It's a scientific memoir. Why I am writing about this is not specifically because of the book but because of the person who used it before me. I was surprisingly delighted to discover that we have the same manner of highlighting things on books- mostly brackets and arrows enclosing beautiful sentences; not so much as to distract the reader but visible enough to notice the markings. I liked that he has this sense of "other people might want to read the book" he kept it neat.  Which is my guiding principle on book markings too.

I noticed that whatever book I'm reading has an impact on my writing. If I read beautiful books, i tend to sound beautiful too. I had read about this phenomenon. I find it rather sad and fascinating. Sad because I have not yet found my own voice, and fascinating because I could actually just keep reading beautifully written books every day to write beautifully too.  The problem is I get lazy.

I am in the middle of reading a beautiful story, an enchanting book filled with moon people. I am also in the middle of preparing for my midterm exam next week. I am in a beautiful mess.

The urge to do something I know not has returned. So I keep starting projects i am not able to finish. Not this, not that. If only it could talk and just tell me plainly what to do, I would not be so bothered like I am now.

I cannot keep myself from buying books. It is an addiction. I am happily addicted I'm afraid. Now, if only id be able to read them all. Sigh.

I have fascinating classmates. Because I don’t get to see them every day I am naturally curious about them and them about me. As we do reporting every classes, I am fond of observing who are nervous and who are not, which are eloquent and which are not. I have classmates who are generous with their smile; classmates who smile first when they see you. I always feel acknowledged when they do. I am not that generous with my smile nor am I the first to say hi. I wish I could be, but I have long given up beating myself about it. My shyness does not make them uncomfortable either (don't get me wrong, i also have friends). When sometimes i fee like it, I smile first and they always smile back, even the security guard at our University smiles back. Such a wonder what a smile can do.

I have been learning about the Theories of Learning. I keep meeting Grandpa Thorndike and Uncle Jean Piaget they sound like family already.

The trees (4) in our backyard have blossomed like they belonged to a forest. I can hear birds from my room, and they are increasing in number.

I actually liked people who cry easily. Who can be touched deeply by ordinary things and simple gestures? I knew one and I always don't know what to do when she cries, but it gives you so much joy that a simple gesture could move her so, so soft hearted and i liked it.

Has anyone been following FIBA ASIA? Because we are! Go Gilas Pilipinas!