When it Feels Like You Are Spiritually Insecure

When it feels like you are insecure with your spiritual friends. I just don’t understand why i feel like i don’t live up to their expectations. Am i unconsciously comparing myself? Holier than thou ? Because really, when it comes to spiritual path, everything is personal. It cannot be compared. I should know that. Why do i feel like i am constantly being judged? Or is it me judging myself. I am not praying enough. I am not holy enough. I don’t serve enough. I am always absent during prayer meetings. Or is it my conscience telling me to do the things i am suppose to do. Make more time for God! Since when did i start to feel so small around spiritual people?

 I feel like my two sisters in Christ are so holy and always there to serve. It makes me feel like i will not be able to live up to their expectations when I am around them. And at the same time i don’t want to be like them. I feel like they are so serious for my taste. And i just want to enjoy life and at the same time enjoy God. Why does it always have to involve suffering and sacrifice? Why do people like suffering? Why does sacrifice always equates to being holy? I don’t think that when you feel you don’t want to do a certain thing and do it anyway because it’s it looks like the right thing to do, but you feel like this sucks. It takes the joy away. But you don’t want to feel guilty afterwards for not doing it. Why can’t people be true to themselves like i don’t want to do it because. Just because and  I dont feel like explaining why.

 Are people naturally good or bad? It is just that, when i dont enjoy doing a thing why would i do it? just to please the person? i mean? you know. we are the most double minded creation in the universe because we feel one thing and do another. We say one thing but in our hearts is another thing. What would happen if we become one with our feelings? To do what we want to do. And not do what we don’t want to do. And to say what we mean to say. What would happen? I guess there would be a lot of conflict at first, but i think when you become one with your actions and feelings, i guess people would become more humane and dignified. What if we just let people be and give them freedom not to conform with society’s expectations or church leaders expectations? Would we become kind and compassionate (because we are naturally good inside) or would we become rude and selfish (because we are naturally little evils inside). Or are there really two wolves leaving inside us; the good and the bad. And whichever we feed wins.  Or am I being like this because I feel like I am doing things to please other people. Or am I being like this because I am doing things to please myself, and not… not because I want to please God? 

Practicing an Art Makes Your Soul Grow

 I forgot how meditative drawing is for me. How you forget time and how completely fulfilling.

I was trying to do a self portrait but couldn't.

Nonetheless it was so good to draw and hold the pencil again.

So Go into the Arts my friends!

Poetry In The Morning

I thought poetry in the morning is not for me. But hearing about a cloud floating over valleys and skies made me gay. So here is a cheer for the golden daffodils! Although i have not seen one in real life. And cheers for all the people and emotions i associate this poem with!Cheers to you!


I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud
By William Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

 +++

In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
And then my heart with pleasure fills,

 yes they do.  yes they do. I'm glad.

If You Become Kind To Yourself

Our master is hard to follow. He is rigid at a distance.

Of what is right and wrong is right and wrong. Unerring, majestic, holy.

How can someone maintain friendship with someone like that?

But somehow up close if you really care to look.

He is fresh and always new, and kind, and kind, and kind.

So stop judging yourself; for sins deliberately done, and for not being someone you think He’d like.

Because when you judge yourself, you have not time to love yourself.  

Look at the master --fresh and always new, and kind, and kind, and kind.

#This poem is for my harshest critic, myself. My dear, if you stop judging and become kind to yourself there is this spaciousness for learning and a certain kind of freshness. If you become kind to yourself you give space for growth. And space and growth is beautiful.

Prayer of Unkowing by Thomas Merton

 I love collecting quotes and there are quotes that changed my outlook in life and saved me from despair. There are quotes that has become special in my life. But right now i think i would love to collect prayers. haha.This one, The prayer of unknowing has touched something in me. Leaving me with a peace that comforts. So im sharing this one to you. Hope it will bless your heart. 

Camiguin

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Being mindful of suffering caused by careless or malicious speech

Today I ride a jeepney with a Grandma with her seven grandchildren.  Seven of them! They were cousins for sure. And they were looking so neat. I was instantly reminded of my childhood and my grandma too. I was looking at them and smiling when suddenly the grandma turn to one of the girls and said "Your mom does not send us money anymore. I wish your mom died instead of your dad. You are so clumsy. How are you going to manage once you’re a maid?"

Grandma, WHATTT???

 I can feel the energy inside the motorcycle.  The shame, the pain was just…it hurts. I want to grab the girl and cover her ears. I want to tell her, "Don’t believe any prediction that does not empower you. Don’t believe what you know in your heart isn’t right and true." I want the hurt to stop.

I hope adults would be careful with the words they say in front of children. I hope they would be aware enough to know that children have tender hearts. I wish people could be sensitive enough to feel other people’s pain. And be kind.

Hurtful words wound. It wound so deep it mars the soul. And sometimes the wound takes a lifetime to heal. Adults’ carries anger and resentments in themselves that sometimes it is so easy to let it all out to children. It's like magma overflowing from the mouth of a mountain destroying everything it touches. Not to a child, please not to a child. 

What Pains Love